Ok, so I have a decision to make. Fun, I know. What's especially fun about this is that this one decision will have an affect on the next couple of years of my life. Don't you just love these??

Here is my dilemma--as many of you already know, I am going to graduate in December with my BA in English. My long-term goal is to teach ESL. So at this point, I have two options: 1) get my ESL teaching certificate, OR 2) do the certificate ALONG WITH an MA in English. The difference? The MA takes 2 years. So, if I started in the spring of 09, I wouldnt be finished until the spring of 2011...I kinda wanted to be at Southeastern (in seminary) by that point. However, if I did the ESL certificate, we could probably head to Southeastern by the fall of '10 (because I would finish the certificate by the spring of '10). The good thing about the MA? I would be highly employable by colleges, so that provides potential employment (well-paying, low-stress, and flexible employment) for while we are in seminary. That would definitely be a plus.

The bad thing? Well, I am not sure how long we want to be in Johnson City...we just don't know. We are beginning an new ministry at church, so we aren't sure how long we will need to be here. Not that we're dying to leave, by any means...we are very excited about our new ministry, and want to see it through all we can. But we also long to be overseas, and don't really want to be here in JC any longer than necessary. Another bad thing is that I worry that I would be burned out with school by the time I finally made it to seminary...going right from 5 years of undergrad to 2 more years for an MA and then another 3 for a second MA...that just sounds....gruesome. The ESL certificate would allow me to have a break, even if it were a short one. Also, for MA completion I have to teach 4 classes at ETSU, and take--and pass-- this 5 hour essay exam. Don't get me wrong, I can do it. I can definiately do it. But, do I want to do it?

I guess it boils down to which one I want more--employability or temporal advantage?

Grrr. I just. don't. know.

Today has been one of the most wonderful and exciting days I have had in a LONG TIME.

I was walking through the rain rather gloomily to my car today and I overheard this girl on her cell phone talking about the HOPE scholarship. She was telling the person on the other end that the government had extended the award to fifth-year seniors. I thought, "wow, I really should check into that" and just kept walking. I got home, sat around for a while (while Jared napped) and eventually mentioned that we should probably try to head over the Financial Aid office today. I ALMOST didn't go, primarily because of the inevitably long lines and hassle etc.

Well. Let's just say those two hours were some of the best I have EVER spent. I got up to the counter, told the lady what the deal was...she left for about 5 minutes. (Besides one or two pregnancy tests I have taken, they were the slowest couple of minutes of my entire life.) She came back and said that not only was I eligible to regain the HOPE due to my high GPA, but my adjusted gross income made me eligible for an extra $750...bringing the total to...$2750.

TWO THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.

In other words, MY SCHOOL IS COMPLETELY PAID FOR FOR THE ENTIRE SEMESTER.

It was...unbelievable. I thought I was going to cry right there in front of her (and I almost did). I thought Jared was going to faint with joy, he lunged back and kept gasping for air. I just couldn't stop smiling..the lady was like "Wow, it's so good to see someone come out of here happy..."

So, PRAISE THE LORD for providing that money. This is really an answer to prayer...we have both been really stressed over our financial predicament. We had no idea how that money was going to ...show up. But it did!

Funny little story.

I was running yesterday at the new ETSU half-mile track (around the new soccer fields). I was on the last stretch of the 2 miles and I was feeling ok, but it was HOT outside. This guy was on one of those ginormous field mower things and was right next to the path as I was coming by. He looked at me and smiled so I smiled back, trying not to make eye contact (something that was ingrained in me during our London trip, it's a long story). I guess my smile wasn't too convincing, because he laughed and said, "Get cha some water, mama!" I just kept running.

I don't think I have ever been called "mama" before. It was strange.

this is going to be a random post, just warning you...my stream of consciousness for today, if you will.

Today is the 5 month anniversary of Papaw's death. That is so weird...it's weird to think about him not being here. That period of time doesn't seem real, it seems fake, or like a joke...like he is just away or on vacation to an antique car convention. I don't really believe it yet. I can't. It's weird to me that Mamaw is doing surprisingly well...I mean, I am glad, but I am not living it every day, and I am not doing well...so I can't imagine how she doesn't just sit and weep all day every day. I understand why my dad is doing worse...every month is another month his dad is gone. Speaking of which, I am worried about Dad. He has a court hearing tomorrow...he may go to jail. He doesn't need this. Not now. All of the hazardous/potential risks for someone his age are already present and abundant: alcoholism, depression, feelings of self harm, coping with loss, in debt, single (divorced), unemployed, unaccomplished, and irreligious.I wish he knew that these things don't matter to me, or to God...and that I love him and I am here willing to support him, unlike anyone else. I want to enable him to succeed, not to fail. I wish I knew how to tell him, or, better yet, how to make him believe me. I wonder if he would come to church if I asked him...he might be embarrassed. I don't know. I would like to, though. Church was really good today, it was good to be back and see everyone...I am excited about the work we are going to get started in this city. I am excited about the training and teaching Jared and I have received over the past two weeks. I am excited about the opportunities for evangelism that are continuing to open. I am not excited about the fact that I have a scratchy throat...I haven't been sick in like, forever...ugh. I really want to start running and/or walking and doing some weight training...but it is just so hard for me to get motivated to do it alone. I can't keep up with Jared...we're on different fitness levels (those being his-I can do nothing for decades and still be fit as a fiddle- and mine-if i think about being inactive I automatically gain 5 lbs). I really wish there was someone who could be like a fitness accountability partner to me or something. I need to do something. I am sick of crying every time I look at myself in the mirror, every time I see a photo of myself. I feel like I don't have time to do anything but I just need to make the time...I can't handle being depressed like this and feeling ugly and overweight constantly anymore. Right now, though, I really just want to go to sleep. My eyes are heavy, so I think I will let my worries and thoughts dwindle again until tomorrow.

Night.

As some of you probably already know, I have really vivid (and sometimes really bizarre) dreams. I think a lot of them are probably prophetic in nature. Through much discussion with others in the church, examination of Scripture, and reading recommended books about prophecy, Jared and I have concluded that I do have [at least some] gifting in that area.

My prophetic dreams are usually distinguished by a couple of distinct characteristics: they're often recurring, and details within the dreams are usually consistent. For example, some universal aspects of my prophetic dreams that I have identified include:
-temporally, it is midday but the sky appears as if it is dusk (i.e., mostly dark, overcast, etc)
-the atmposhere is dark, hazy, and/or eerie-identified by dead trees, dead/dry leaves blowing around, etc. (very 'Sleepy Hollow,' if you will)
-all events occur outside, or center upon being outside

Some dreams don't posses the last one or two characteristics, but all posses the first. Many only 'occur' in a specific geographic location. For example, in several dreams the events have only taken place at one of my two grandmother's homes. Here is an example of one of these dreams:

I am outside in the yard, the sky is dark, it is very eerie and I am trying to get away. I can't see the ground because there are snakes coiled up everywhere covering it, and I know the snakes are venomous. They are all prepared to strike. I hear rattles, hisses...I am panicking because I know I have to get away, but I can't walk for the snakes.

Every time I have this dream the whole thing revolves around me trying to escape. There are small variations in plot--sometimes I am alone, sometimes there are other people around, etc. but essentially the plot remains consistent. Like I already mentioned, these specific 'snake' dreams have taken place either at my Nana's house or at my Mamaw's house, and nowhere else.

I have had other dreams that only 'occurred' in other places...there was one dream that only happened at my parents' house, and it always centered around these ravenous wolves trying to get into the house and get to my family, specifically to me and my little brothers. I was the first (and sometimes only) one who knew the wolves were there, and really understood the gravity of the danger we were in.

There have been random but, I felt, extremely significant dreams that I have had only one time. The only thing shared by these dreams were the universal characteristics I mentioned earlier that signify 'prophetic' or 'spiritual' dreams. Instead of trying to expound a lot on them I'll just share them with you:

Dream #1 - I am at an amusement park. It is dark and eerie out again--it looks dusk but it is only the afternoon. The amusement park consists only of the world's most elaborate and expensive roller coasters, and the park is crowded and full of people of all ages. I am in the park walking around, just enjoying the scenery when I make a shocking discovery--I notice that all of the roller coasters end in death. One goes off of a cliff, one goes into a volcano, one into a gaping whole in the earth, etc. When I notice it I start staring and pointing, asking others if they see it. The people grumble, shrug me off and walk away; some scold/reprimand me, and some try to debate with me about the 'true' end of the coasters--they try to tell me that death isn't what really happens, that I am wrong, etc. I become so overwhelmed with compassion and urgency I begin yelling to anyone who can hear me and grabbing/stopping people and pointing, trying to show them, but still no one will listen. I hear someone yell my name. I look up and see two specific individuals that I know next in line to get on a coaster. They are urging me to join them, telling me how fun it will be. I say, "guys, look--look at the end! you're going to die. It ends in death!" and they look right at the end of the coaster, and don't see it. they say, "nah, its not a big deal, it just looks that way...come ride with us! It will be awesome." and I say "NO you don't UNDERSTAND, you WILL DIE if you get on this ride! DON'T GET ON." and they laugh at me and say I am being silly. I watch in silence as they climb onto the ride and strap themselves in, and the last thing I see is the coaster take off. Then I woke up.

Dream #2- I see an island. It is beautiful and tropical, so I begin to swim over to it. The water is crystal clear, a beautiful blue. There is a friend swimming ahead of me... as I am swimming, I see these sea things swimming around me. They're so beautiful, and making beautiful sounds, and it makes me want to reach out and touch them. I reach out to, and then my friend warns me, "Hurry up and get to shore. If you don't, they'll eat you." As if to confirm her statement, the sea creatures (which I have now discovered to be mermaids) start growling and making horrible, evil, frightening noises and snapping at me with their several rows of three inch long razor-sharp teeth. I swim and swim and swim...I shout ahead to my friend, "Why don't they eat you too?" And she says nonchalantly, "Because I asked them not to, of course." And then I say, "Well why can't I ask them not to eat me?!" And she tells me that I can but it will only work if I am on land when I ask. I continue to swim frantically .....trying to get away. Then I woke up.

Dream #3- I stop by to see my sister, Misty, in Kingsport on the way home (to Rogersville). She, for some reason, is living back in the old trailer I grew up in and not in her new apartment. She is making pizza for a party that she is hosting later on that afternoon. I am talking to her, flipping through some magazines as we chat. I glance up and do a double take--She is cutting up pieces of crack with a razor blade and putting it in lines. I (understandably) flip out. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" I ask, attempting not to raise my voice. She replies, "Oh, its just a little bit of crack, we'll have it with the pizza." I stare at her in amazement for a few minutes, then she leaves. Then my mom and younger brothers show up and start snorting all the lines of cocaine in front of me. I totally lose it and start screaming and trying to get them to stop...they're snorting so much that they're becoming totally crazy and weird and I don't know what to do...so I start searching the trailer. I find HUGE bags of cocaine everywhere. I start flushing it down the toilet before any of them can get to it, but then I leave just enough for them to get in trouble, and hide it. I march over to them and announce, in tears, that I love them and I don't want to do this, but I have to call the police. The police come, see them, find the bag that I hid, and arrest them all. And I woke up.

Dream #4- I am staying with my friend Mary for the night. We are in her bed, chatting as we wait for sleep to set in. All of a sudden this bright light appears, and an angelic host is there in front of us at the end of the bed. It looks like a warrior, it is very large and intimidating but good. We are terrified, and paralyzed by fear, and it tells us not to be afraid. It speaks to us for a minute (I don't recall exactly what it said, but I don't think it was significant) and then disappears. Me and Mary sit there stunned for a minute and then excitedly talk about what just actually happened. We are amazed and happy. I get up to go to the bathroom. When I come back, as I walk into the room I immediately sense something wrong. Mary is laying on the bed awake, in silence, and looks at me and says "Brittany." I know by her voice she knows something is wrong too. I turn my back to Mary and the bed, and face the wall. I instantly know that there are at least three demons up against the wall, one of which is a higher rank than I have ever encountered before. I shout at Mary to pray. I begin 'battling' with the demons--I am praying constantly, and they attack me by means of verbal assault and condemnation. Through prayer I am equipped by the Holy Spirit to counter their assaults with Scripture. When Mary and I hesitate in our prayer I feel the demons' power grow stronger; When our prayers are unceasing I feel the demons' power decline. This battle goes on for several hours. I 'defeat' the demons with Scripture one at a time, causing them to flee, until myself and the higher ranked demon remain. I battle with it for a long time, to no avail. I am pacing and praying and Mary is praying on the bed and then all of a sudden I feel my body physically become empowered by the Holy Spirit. I stand up authoritatively, face the demon, and shout, "Glory be to the God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!" and the demon vanishes. Then I woke up.


I have prayed over many of these dreams, asking the Lord for revelation. He has given it for some, and not for others. I think that it is so amazing and interesting that He can and does communicate in this way to believers sometimes. I always try to write down my dreams in my journal so I can pray over them, reread them later, etc.

What actually spurred this post was a dream I had last night. I am not really sure if it held any significance or not...I will have to pray about that. It definitely was weird, though. I had several dreams last night, most of which, if I remember correctly, were silly (e.g., me being a character in the movie Hairspray and replacing both Amber and Tracey as Link Larkin's love interest). The last dream I had, though, was different. Strange. In the dream I felt something in my stomach. I put my hand on my belly and felt movement. I thought, "There is NO WAY. No possible way..." I used my hand to press around and examine what was moving...I slowly felt a tiny arm, then a hand...and a leg...and i felt more movement and saw a bump, so I felt it and it was a head, and as I rubbed down I felt tiny shoulders and a spine. I refused to acknowledge that there was a baby inside me. I didn't understand how, or why. I located some very recent photos of me and closely examined them...no evidence of pregnancy. Normal, flat (well, flat for me) stomach. No baby bulges to be seen. I didn't understand how I went from not pregnant to just, pregnant. I remember being surprised that I wasn't completely upset with the idea. That's all I remember.

Maybe this is a weird post, who knows. I just like to write. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am a pretty weird person so my blogs, understandably, will be a little strange.

-(an unpregnant, to the best of my knowledge) Brittany

I have been dealing with an issue for the past several months...an issue that is very difficult, and has resulted in many tears, many arguments, and many worries.

This issue revolves around an attempt to preach the gospel. Truth, I am discovering, is something that instantly stirs rebellion in people. Ironically enough, this rebellion seems to be the strongest among confronted believers.

I have attempted to dissect the situation over and over, to analyze...and, of course, prayed for insight. But it seems that as time passes, I am beginning to realize that it doesn't matter who the person is, what the situation is...when you tell people the truth it makes them angry. It makes them not like you...
as a good friend of mine said, pride is a tricky thing.

See, in my mind--and I know not all people thank like me, and you should be thankful for that--truth is necessary, and demands priority. Christ didn't compromise truth, and by default nor should I. Unfortunately, many people don't see it that way.

So, as usual, Derek Webb swoops in and says everything I am feeling but never had the eloquence to muster. Here is another excerpt from a show he did. It is also on the "The House Show" album.




This next song is just my own confession, my confessing that I, because of my unbelief, because of the fact that I don’t believe the gospel, I don’t believe that Christ is really sufficient for me, I don’t really believe He’ll meet all my needs, I don’t. I struggle to believe that. And you can see it by the way I live. And because I don’t believe that, I all too often give in, and am convinced or wooed by what some theologians have called ‘lovers less wild’ than Jesus, the Great Lover of our souls. Other lovers, as Scripture calls them, as well, that would seek to convince us that they can satisfy us, convince us that they can safely bear our sin, that we’ll be safe and secure, that they can satisfy us in ways that, in fact, only our Savior can. I think that so often we try to make it our job to make the gospel easier for us to preach and easier for other people to hear, in order to not get into trouble, in order to not be confrontational. See, here’s the truth: you just can’t preach the gospel and not get in trouble. You just can’t do it. As hard as you might try, you can dress it up any way you want, but if you’re really preaching the gospel, you’re going to get yourself in trouble, I mean you’re going to be in trouble, as well. Because again, the cross is both beautiful and offensive, and it must be both. It is both. There is no other gospel for you to preach. So in ways that we seek to dress it up—or, again, as Tony Campolo put it, and it’s such a great way to think about it—if we seek to neuter the gospel, just to rob it, of its great offense and therefore its great beauty, then it’s no longer the gospel we’re preaching to people. We’re not doing anyone any favors by making the gospel easier to hear, because it ceases to be the gospel. You know, it’s not safe to boldly preach the gospel. It’s not. You might as well just get to preaching it and just get into trouble, man. I mean, our same gospel, that we are told, will literally set mother against daughter, son against father…not bringing peace, but a sword. Dangerous work that we’re in, as believers…perilous work that we have before us to preach the gospel. Not only to each other, but to the outside world. The unbelieving world. Not safe work—‘safe’ is not a good, not a word that I would believe characterizes Christians, or Jesus, or the gospel. It shouldn’t. If it is, then, it might not be the gospel we’re preaching. And it makes me think about the great work by C. S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, where are these children who find their way through this wardrobe, or this closet. They go, and they find themselves in this other world, a kind of magical world where all these incredible things begin to happen. And they meet this great lion, Asland is his name. He is the Christ figure in the story. And these children, when they see him—as you can imagine, to see this huge lion—they’re terribly frightened. They’re scared to death. And they know that he’s king, but they have all these questions, and they go to some who live there, who know more of Asland than they do, and they say, you know, ‘listen, you gotta tell us, we’re frightened by the sight of Asland, the lion. Can you tell us—is he safe? Is he safe?’ Now, the response the children receive is not ‘yes! He’s safe. In fact, he’s safe for the whole family.’ That’s not the response. But the response is ‘NO! No, He’s not safe. But he is good, and he’s the King.’ Jesus, folks. He is not safe. He is not manageable. He’s a wild lion. You cannot tame him. He’s not safe. But He is good, and He is King. You can trust Him. You can trust that He will provide for you what you need as you go out and you seek to tell people about Him. The gospel that we carry is not safe. It is not. Not manageable. Not efficient. Loving people is not efficient. But the gospel is good, it is true, but it’s not safe. And so this next song offends its author, as well it should. Cause it wouldn’t be the gospel if it didn’t. So, as I’ve said in my record, and it’s true in this song, it is not for the faint of heart. And nor is the gospel. It’s a song called ‘Wedding Dress’.

Wedding Dress

If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, Your life
should that be all I'll ever need?
or is there more I'm looking for?

and should I read between the lines?
to look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what You want?

I am a whore, I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle
I'm a prodigal with no way home
I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle
to You

So could You love this bastard child?
Though I don't trust you to provide?
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in Your side

cause I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that I would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

cause I am that whore, I do confess
I put You on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the isle
run down the isle
I'm a prodigal with no way home
I put you on just like a ring of gold
and run down the isle,
run down the isle
to You

cause money cannot buy
a Husband's jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife

Well. I noticed recently that a LOT of people I know have revived blogging...and by that I do not mean facebook-ing or myspace-ing, I mean like, actually blogging. That is, writing your feelings for others to respond to. While I am just as addicted to the social internet phenomena as the next person, I must confess I enjoy 'genuine' blogging more, because [in most cases] it gets me into people's heads. I get to read their thoughts, feelings, responses, perceptions...their streams of consciousness. And I like that. I like people, and I like getting to know people, so it makes sense. Of course, while this all technically has the ability to be a one-way street, I realize that for me to interact with and respond to people (and therefore not be so stalker-ish) I must revive my own blogging as well...so here goes.

First of all, I would just like to say that I am totally embarrassed by my old posts. I annoy myself, A LOT, if that is even possible. I am so thankful to the Lord that He has matured me and taught me and just...brought me from the place and person that I used to be. Arrogance and ignorance--as I [ironically enough] vented about on this same blog derogatorily about someone else--is NOT a good combination. It's an embarrassing combination...embarrassing for everyone else then, and for you later.

I even, when reading back over everything I had written, had a quick but aggressive urge to delete all of the more juvenile updates (i.e., all but like one of them). However, I think that is a bad idea, mainly because I am a firm believer in not hiding anything about yourself from people, including sin. Not because I am ok with sin, or because I take sin lightly; rather, I believe very much that hiding sin is counterproductive for all believers. It is lying about your real self, your depraved self. Which, if you think about it, makes no sense, because if we read Scripture, we know (or should know) that we are all miserable and filthy enemies of God by nature. So, for us to "put on a good show" is really rather ridiculous, because we should all know immediately it's fake...a facade. Once again, I'm not promoting sin, but I think that we should be compelled to share our burdens with one another in Christ. And that means, at least in my mind, that the fact that I mess up on a daily basis shouldn't be kept from my friends, my coworkers, my family, my church family, or my pastor. I desire for others to keep me accountable, because there is a standard of holiness that I am commanded to, as a follower of Jesus...and accountability is necessary for my sanctification, as well as my fellowship, communion, and functioning within the Body.

I mean, what good does hiding your sin do? Really. What? You sin, you pretend you don't sin, then it finally comes out that you DO sin (and it always does), so then you have to confess that it was all a big guise to begin with and start a more difficult (and, often, shameful) path of repentance, renewed fellowship, and self actualization. Thing is, though, that just manning up and saying, "yeah, I am rotten" all the time is hard. More than hard. Miserable, at least in my experience. But that is only for a time...a brief time. Because the misery does not originate in Christ, but in others...liberation comes from Christ. Liberation in the fact that you don't NOT sin, but that you DO sin, and that you are still part of the Beloved. How wonderful! As Derek Webb said (so much more eloquently) in his paraphrase of John Newton... "If your sin is great, your Savior will be great." The hard part is getting around the small-mindedness, flesh, logic, and...well, humanity, of everyone. I feel like, though, that I owe it, out of love for my brothers and sisters, not to lie about who I really am. Transparency is loving the church. That's how I see it.

Now, I know that this can sound pretty sketchy. But, anyone who knows me well knows that I do not tolerate, accept, encourage, etc. etc. sin. I am not about abusing liberty. Sin is sin, is sin...we are defiled, wretched, despicable...and we have a command to holiness, to progression, to accountability...and true believers, according to Scripture, will be evidenced by these attributes. Don't tell me that you can sin and not repent because of Christ's sacrifice. Yes, our (believers') sins are atoned for...but that doesn't negate our responsibility. We have the law, and we are to aggressively pursue the law. We, if nothing else, because of our inferiority to God, are subject to God and His law. And, we believers are to pursue righteousness, period. Unrepentant and/or apathetic sin isn't evidence to me that you're liberated in Christ...quite the contrary. It shows me that you don't take the law of the Lord seriously and that you may not be a believer.

Admission of sin isn't intended to negate effort on our part...but instead, to encourage effort. That person we become around everyone...the nice, moral, respectable person...the effort behind that character shouldn't be temporary, and it shouldn't be centered on anything but Jesus. We should want to be a "good" person out of our love and obedience for Christ, not for ourselves-- because it looks good on us, or for morality sake, or...anything. Anything not motivated by Christ is sinful, even if it is 'good'.

I don't even know if this is all making sense. I guess I am just rambling now....one of the main reasons I have never been that consistent with stuff like this is that I don't think I make very much sense when I just write down my thought processes. But, I figure, there might be someone out there that might be interested and/or benefit from it in some way, and (on a more selfish note) writing is somewhat of a release for me.

To make a long story short...the fact that I am selfish, discontent, proud, sarcastic, defiant, and a number of other things every single day of my life isn't something that I hold back. For that very reason, my wonderful brothers and sisters in the Lord are able to see what I need encouragement and accountability for, confront me as needed, and continue to engage in fellowship and sanctification with me. And I like that. I don't have it all figured out...durr. But that is just something the Lord has shown me in the last little bit, and I really am so thankful for it.